Barry Lyndon

Rated: PG
Runtime: 3 Hours and 4 Minutes

Reviewer: Dale
Grade: D-

Barry Lyndon. Barry Fucking Lyndon. Oh, how I hated this film.

Stanley Kubrick is a master filmmaker. I am not denying that. "2001" is beyond superb. "Dr. Strangelove" is blackly hilarious. "Eyes Wide Shut" is even better than I thought it was upon a first viewing.

But Barry Lyndon?

It's shit. And I say that with all respect to the talents of the late Stan Kubrick. He was a master, sometimes a genius with a camera and a script. But here. Well, I don't know what the hell happened. Rarely has a filmmaker this good made something that sucked this bad.
Really, it's that horrid. It's a pile of goat feces with monkey urine lovingly frosted atop it.
Halfway through the movie I wanted to turn it off, but Jones said: "We made it this far, we're not pussying out now!" and I had to consent to him. After all, it was his house and his DVD Player. But I couldn't have made it through this worthless piece of dreck had I not been making fun of it every frame of the way.

The movie starts well: there is a duel and two men shoot at each other. One is shot dead and
I laughed for reasons I'm not exactly sure of. A better film might have used my laugh as a springboard for involving me in the film and would have went from there. This one starts from there and then stays about the same for a half an hour. Barry falls in love with a woman who everyone in his shire has had a go at. So does some British prick. Barry and the British prick engage in a duel. The prick loses and Barry leaves town, fearing repurcussions.

So far, so good. Okay, not bad. No "2001", but I have seen worse.

But it doesn't last long. Barry joins a war. Barry goes AWOL. Barry schtupps a totally hot German babe. All of this could have been good. But it isn't here. Barry is a moron and a bad actor. Ryan O'Neal has but one facial expression. When he cried over the loss of his comrade, I didn't buy it. I didn't buy him at any point in the movie and, thus, I didn't care. As the movie goes on, and gets more boring with every subsequent frame, (Oh Sweet Jesus of Nazareth is this movie DULL!!!!!!!!) you don't care what happens to Barry. Near the end, when Barry is involved in a duel with his stepson, we root for the son. We want Barry's head on a block. Just for acting this lame, he deserves to die.

But does Barry die? Hell No! That might actually be interesting. That might actually validate our waste of three hours of our lives! No. He gets shot in the LEG!!! The fucking LEG!!!
What the hell is with this shit? He cries because he will lose his leg, but it doesn't make him any more interesting. He's the same boring, bad-acting son of a bitch, just minus a leg. He can die. Ryan doesn't suck this bad in other movies. He was good in "The Zero Effect". He was fine in "What's Up Doc?" (a movie that manages to entertain despite the fact that Ryan and Barbara Streisand are in it). But here I wished him a gory death. Or, at least, his character.

You can predict everything that will happen in this movie. In a movie like "The Replacements", the predictability satisfies you because it is what you want to happen. Here, it pisses you off because it is exactly what you expect of a crappy movie.

Don't watch this movie. For the love of God, don't befoul your eyes with this garbage. Please don't! I am begging you, don't make the same mistake that Jones and I did. I'm sure that he will tell you the same. Trust me. This is bad stuff. It's the most boring film I have ever seen. I am getting sleepy just thinking about it. You can't even tell that Kubrick did this movie. There is only one cool shot. There are no uses of cool editing and the narration is actually an embarassment to cinema. Comparing this movie to dogshit is an insult to dogshit.

Barry Fucking Lyndon.

Reviewer: Jones
Grade: D-

JESUS CHRIST!!!!! What the HELL is this shit STANLEY?!?!?

This was my initial reaction to "Barry Lyndon". Wait. Strike that from the record. I can't really say that was my initial reaction to the film because I cannot think back that far. Let's just say that the statement above is the one that best represents my state of mind while watching this festering boil on the butt of humanity manifest itself before my very eyes.

The Saturday that I chose to visit this shock and damage upon Dale and myself was no different from any other. We went to Madison, wasted a lot of money on things we couldn't afford, then came back and watched a movie that we had not purchased during the aforementioned wasting of money that we did not have. And so it was that after our arrival back in Shitsville, USA Dale and I came to some sort of verdict that allowed "Barry Lyndon" to find it's way into my DVD player (I only hope it works again after what I put it through).

I had already owned the movie for over a year without watching it at this point (Give me a break. It came with the Stanley Kubrick Collection. I had no choice in the matter.). Needless to say I had grown sick of looking at it and thinking that I should watch the goddamn thing sometime just to get it over with.

Well it finally happened and now that it's over with, I wish I had waited much longer. I think maybe a hundred years would have sufficed. I should be long dead and buried by then. Had I not seen this I also could have said that I had never seen a bad Kubrick movie, but I am a dumbass and had to watch this piece of shit despite all of the inevitable repercussions that would follow such a viewing.

Now I feel it is my purpose in life to warn all other fans of film about the atrocity that is "Barry Lyndon". I must say that Dale and I should be commended for putting our sanity on the line for all of you out there.

CHRIST!!! What a piece of SHIT this film is!!!

Sorry. That just sort of slipped out. It's tough to hold back sometimes. On another note. I think this movie once and for all proves how fucking lame and stupid the Motion Picture Academy is. This mixed bag of afterbirth that I am forced to refer to as a film won more Academy Awards than all of Kubrick's other movies put together. What the HELL were they thinking?!? Probably nothing like usual. Did I mention that this film is a piece of shit? I think I did, but I just thought I would make sure. Never hurts to be thorough.

The plot. Was there one? To be quite honest I can't tell you for sure. I was too busy making fun of the film to know. I'm sorry for that, but it was the only way I could get through it. Dale and I should be awarded Medals of Honor for slugging our way through this cesspool. If we hadn't sat through it at the same time, neither of us would have finished it on our own. That I am sure of.

What I do remember of the plot is that there are a couple of duels. Some people get shot.
One of the ones that doesn't get shot gets held up by some lower form of humanity (This scene along with the touching deathbed scene of one of the children are the only reason this film gets anything higher than an F). The guy that gets held up is named Barry by the way. I think...... Yeah that's it.

So this guy, Barry, goes along his way, bangs some German chick after shooting one of the sorriest excuses for an actor I have ever seen. He shot that dude over a woman. Go figure.
See now here is where the movie falls apart. Later in the film you find out that the fucking dude he shot is still alive and tapping the chick's ass that Barry shot him over. Now, if I'm Barry, I go back and shoot the bastard and make sure that shit goes right this time. Problem is..... I'm not playing Barry. Ryan O'Neal is. Apparently the difference between Ryan and me is a pair of testicles. I have them. He doesn't. I would have set things straight by killing the son of a bitch. Ryan pusses out and runs off into the wilderness and marries some dumb box for reasons that I don't even care to know.

Ya know what? Fuck it. If you haven't figured out that this is shit by now, then you deserve to waste three hours of your life away by watching this.....this......Oh nevermind.

While watching this fuckstain of a film and even afterwards I told Dale that I thought that Kubrick only did about five shots in the whole movie and then turned the reins over to someone along the lines of a crackbaby. I'm thinking Kubrick had better things to do like possibly taking a shit, pissing on the fish, or installing an air conditioner. Who knows? I sure as hell don't. It's merely speculation on my part.

I'm going to stick by it though. It's much easier to envision a crackbaby helming this sinking ship than the esteemed Mr. Kubrick.

Regardless this film is shit and if you watch it after reading this you are a fucking idiot.

Have a good day.