Charlie's Angels

Rated: PG-13
Runtime: 1 Hour and 39 Minutes

Reviewer: Dale
Grade: A

If you don't want to see "Charlie's Angels", well, then you aren't a red-blooded American man and I don't understand what could be going on inside your head. It is just that simple. I feel sorry for you, really, if that statement applies to you. Because it means that some major part of you, some fundamental place within your heart or groin is just not in proper working order. If I were you, I would ask God for an exchange or possibly even a refund.

"Charlie's Angels" is, quite frankly, everything that a movie called "Charlie's Angels" should be. "Charlie's Angels" is the heartwarming (and other region-warming) story of three very attractive young women who have been charged with the task of solving crimes, looking beautiful, and kicking a lot of ass. And they excel at each and every one of these things. First of all, the Angels are drop-dead gorgeous. Wow. The eye delights in every costume change, and there are plenty of them at which to rejoice. The girls dress as Oriental massage therapists. They dress in tight little German girl outfits (think "Heidi" only hotter). They dress in tight fitting wetsuits and as dominatrixes with whips. Every kinky little fantasy that you have ever had? It comes to life at some point during the ninety minutes that you are staring at the screen.

And that isn't all! Aside from feeding your libido (a vital function) the movie delivers more action than any movie this year! This is the supercharged action fest that "Mission: Impossible 2" wanted to be. Hell, this is the movie that "Mission: Impossible" wanted to be. It is the coolest spy movie in years. There is lots of sneaking around, lots of impossible stunts and lots of disguises. The plot involves rival computer companies, one of which is up to no good. The main designer from one company has been kidnapped and it is the task of the Angels to get him and his revolutionary software back. This is, however, only the bare framework upon which to hang the most jaw-dropping action sequences of the year.

Are the action sequences jaw-dropping? Oh My Yes! Compared to most of the other crap that we are supposed to interpret as action sequences, these will blow you out the back wall of the theater. I have not felt this much adrenaline pumping through my veins since "The Matrix". Speaking of "The Matrix", the technique with which these sequences are rendered owes a large debt of gratitude to that movie. If you think I am just finding a nice way to say that "Charlie's Angels" lifts those techniques wholesale, you would be right. But I didn't even care. I was so marvelously entertained that by the end of the first exhilarating fight sequence, all such points were rendered moot. I was hooked and dazzled and just plain giddy. Giddy! I had a hell of a lot of fun!

The women in the movie, aside from being gorgeous, all know the precise tone to play their characters. They balance a daring and lovely tightrope between cheesy and straight, between sexy and innocent, between flirty and dangerous. It is an intoxicating mix that never failed to make me smile. These are not your average action heroes. They seem to enjoy their jobs, they seem to love one another, and they never use guns. Before you start bitching about this, let me tell you that you will never miss them. The way these girls kick, the sheer ballet of their acrobatics, the dizzying adrenaline of it all, will keep you on the edge of your seat in a way that the standard movie shootout will not.

In addition to the nicely-balanced work of Drew, Cameron and the luscious Lucy, there are some other amusing performances in the film. A particular favorite of mine was the performance of Crispin Glover as a violent sicko who never speaks. You will likely remember Crispin as one George McFly from "Back to the Future". Here, in a completely different role, he proves himself not only dangerous but oddly hilarious as well, without speaking so much as a word. It's all in the way he walks, the way he sucks at a cigarette as if his entire life depended upon it, the way he sniffs a stolen lock of an Angel's hair. He is a real treat here. It's also nice just to see him working again. Sam Rockwell is good as the man who has enlisted the Angels' services and Bill Murray is a droll treat as always as their manservant (of sorts) Bosley. Bill is always a welcome sight, and this is no exception.

In short, "Charlie's Angels" is rejuvenatingly fun. It is pure delight from beginning to end, for the eyes, the ears and the libido. It may not be the most cerebral movie of all time, and most of the goings on here depend on an enormous suspension of disbelief. But you should have known that the moment you heard they were making the movie. That's besides the point. In that way it is like a Bond movie. You don't expect "2001" and I, for one, don't even want it. I just want beautiful women to kick a lot of ass and wear skimpy outfits and crack funny jokes.

And "Charlie's Angels" delivers with flying colors.