Eight Legged Freaks
(2002)











Rated: PG-13
Runtime: 1 Hour and 39 Minutes


Reviewer: Dale
Grade: C-

Rarely have I seen a film piss away its potential as quickly as "Eight Legged Freaks". In the first moments of the film, a truck which is conveniently hauling toxic waste swerves to avoid hitting a rabbit. A drum of the toxic sludge rolls down into the river, right next to a scene indicating the whereabouts of an exotic spider farm. The good vibes even extend to the scene where the owner of the exotic spider farm (who has been feeding his pets on tainted grasshoppers) is bit by a now-mutant, toxic spider. He flails about, destroying every spider cage, as he dies.

Now, I'm not saying that these scenes are ingenious or great, but they are witty and seem to know the universe that a film like this should inhabit. They seem to suggest that the filmmakers know their cliches, are toying with them, and are enjoying themselves doing it. This is the sort of trick that the makers of "Tremors" pulled off so successfully so many years ago.

This clever mastery of genre seems to dissipate as soon as David Arquette pulls into town. After this, there are some clever bits. And it is amusing that the town has settled for toxic waste disposal after all other ways to improve their local economy have failed. It has clever moments. And it had a lot of characters that I felt an affinity toward. I liked Kari Wuhrer as the hot lady who is the small town sherriff. I liked Scarlett Johanssen as her daughter. But I think I only liked these two because they brought their own charm to the roles. Otherwise, I wasn't very hot on any of the other characters. Arquette doesn't have the necessary charisma or charm to make his role work. He seems natural enough, I guess, but he doesn't give us any reason why we should really care. Neither does the rest of the movie.

And, still, it has a sort of charm to it. Not a great charm. No. But it does have something going for it. There are moments where the movie knows what it is doing. I liked that the townsfolk actually broke out the guns and started kicking some spider ass eventually. It's refreshing to see a movie where the people actually fight back. I'm so bloody sick of humans just lining up to be food in these films. It knows all the cliches, though it isn't quite bold enough to turn them on their ear or play too much with them. After while, it stops being a clever homage and riff on old 50's monster movies and simply becomes an updated 50's monster movies. The effects are the 2002 equivalent of bad stock footage and rubber spiders: poorly rendered CGI. I'm not sure if this was intentional. I suspect that it wasn't. Though the movie might be in the on joke. Arquette doesn't seem in on the jokes, but that isn't unusual. Doug E. Doug is the worst member of the cast, bringing the usual outraged brother schtick to the role of a wacko with his own alien-related radio show.

Ah hell. Even though I didn't like it much, I can't hate "Eight Legged Freaks". It's amusing in spots, which is starting to become a nice change of pace in films, and it at least had the balls to try and revive the giant insect genre (a film that really should be left to rest in peace). But it doesn't quite hit the mark it's aiming for, and it's got some really retarded moments in it. When the abandoned silver mine that never panned out is first mentioned, for example, it don't take a genius to know how this particular sub-plot is going to play out. And the movie itself seems to forget about the kid on his dirt bike who is trapped in the mines by giant spiders. It does have its moments, but not many of them. It still feels to me like a poor man's "Tremors".

A very poor man's "Tremors". In fact, a homeless man's "Tremors".