Tomb
Raider
(2001)
Rated: PG-13
Runtime: 1 Hour and 40 Minutes
Reviewer: Dale
Grade: D+"And her bosom. Have I mentioned her bosom!?"
That line is from the delightful movie "Shakespeare In Love". Joseph Fiennes is speaking, and the chest in question belongs to Gwyneth Paltrow. But Joe should have been referring to the glorious, gravity-defying breasts of Angelina Jolie. My God! When did this happen? Did she always have such magnificent breasts? And, if she did, why wasn't I properly informed? I mean, I demand to have notification on these things. I want highly detailed memorandums on things like this. Good Lord! They are fabulous. They just steal every scene they are in. And, sadly, they are giving the best (breast?) performance in the movie.
No, I am not obsessed with Angelina Jolie's breasts. Though I probably should be. No, the reason I am speaking at great length of the perkiness, pertness, voluptous mass, and otherwise glorious splendiferousness (sp?) of Miss Thornton's upper torso is because it was far and away the most mesmerizing part of the film (almost tempted to buy the DVD just so I can slo-mo the scene where she runs in slo-mo....slowing slow motion may seem redundant, but not in this circumstance). This movie is so dull, so uninteresting, so entirely vacuous, that it would be utterly unwatchable were it not for the fine, star-making performance of Miss Jolie's chest.
God, this is a dull film. It starts with her fighting her robotic manservant, which is sorta cute and reminded me of the "Pink Panther" films. And I really enjoyed the characters of her butler and the geeky techno nerd who comprise her domestic staff. I loved those two characters and wanted to see more of them. I also wanted to see more of two other characters, but I have already devoted enough internet space to that subject in the past two paragraphs. They were genuinely enjoyable and I felt that the movie was setting them up for a more important role later in the proceedings.
In fact, I truly enjoyed the first forty minutes or so. Just after the first big, splashy action sequence. Sure, that was a contrived sequence involving bungee cords. But, damnit, it was exciting and fun. It was everything I wanted out of this film (including a nice shot of Angelina's tight, little stomach) and it gave the cool butler an opportunity to kick some ass without losing his charm or cool. It was wonderful. But then the mechanics of the plot kick in and I got more and more depressed with every moment of screen time.
Every plot development, and I use the term loosely, because only the most generous of men would describe this film as possessing a "plot". There's some hokey crap involving Laura's father and "the Illuminati" who have spent five thousand years waiting for the planets to align or something. Probably has something to do with their daily horoscopes. I don't know. I watched the damn movie and I still don't know what I was seeing. I had no idea what was going on in any given scene. And it wasn't because of the rapid editing, though this film was rather quickly edited, but this film was screwed long before it got to the editing bays. It has a plethora of problems.
Aside from the plot that makes "The Mummy Returns" look as tightly plotted as a Hitchcock film, you have the bland villain, the lame "romantic" sub-plot. (I thought she hated the guy, yet she gets all misty when someone plugs him, did I pass out during a crucial moment???) There is the wasting of the only interesting supporting characters in the film. There is the ludicrous idea that Laura instinctively knows exactly how ancient objects that no one has ever seen work. Which didn't bother me in the first hour, then got pretty pathetic in the last hour. And the fact that the film is done entirely without skill. Here's a tip for all would-be directors out there: If you have a moment where a character's wound is magically healed, it's a good idea to show us the wound first. I mean, it's a little hard to be amazed when you didn't even know that the character was injured. And the so-called mystical moments of this film land in the front row of the theater with a lurching clunk. So does most of the dialogue.
You know how much trouble the film is in when it's only an hour and a half long and it feels at least forty-five minutes too long.
But, in short, look at those breasts. Wow. A less crappy movie might have been saved just by those puppies. But not this one. Too bad. It's a good idea for a film (hot chick kicking ass and doing Indiana Jones stuff) and they're wonderful breasts. But I need something more, guys. Sorry. No offense to the stars of "Tomb Raider", but they can only do so much. They can't work miracles. Though if any breasts could......
Alright, I'll stop it now.
Reviewer: Jones
Grade: D+Have you ever imagined what it would have been like had Indiana Jones been Angelina Jolie rather than Harrison Ford? Probably not, but at one time or another you have undoubtedly envisioned a woman inhabiting the world that Indy made us love so much. If you have ever had this thought then it would seem that “Tomb Raider” would be the answer to your convoluted prayers.
Unfortunately you would be wrong. “Tomb Raider” is a good idea that is fumbled around with onscreen until it becomes merely an average film as the end credits roll. Where did it go wrong you ask? We’ll get to that eventually, but first I should let you in on the plot.
Fans of the video game series of “Tomb Raider” games should be more than familiar with the themes that are presented in the film as well as the exploits of it’s heroine Lara Croft. Lara likes to go around saving the world one tomb at a time and she’s pretty good at it to boot. So good in fact that after watching the movie the viewer can leave with no other impression other than that she is infallible, but we’ll get to that nonsense later.
The plot of the film revolves around Lara finding an ancient clock in a wall of her house that leads her to track down two pieces of one of those pesky old artifacts that always seems to mean doom for the planet. Did these ancient people have nothing better to do with their time than come up with ways to make one person as powerful as god, or bring about the end of the world in some complicated, nefarious way? Movies like this would tend to make one think not.
Of course we can’t have a heroine without a villain now can we. Enter generic arch nemesis here. In fact this guy’s character is so underdeveloped that he may be even lower on the scale of evolution than the generic arch nemesis, but we will leave at that for simplicity’s sake.
How underdeveloped is he? About the only motivation I could find for his aspirations of world conquest were that he is compulsively clad in black, has slicked back black hair and as one scene would have us believe is a Buddhist. No, he is not portrayed by Steven Seagal, but that was a good guess based on the description. I don’t know the guy’s name and I’m not going to look it up either, because I feel the man deserves a second chance before I make too much fun of him.
So now that we have our arch nemesis and Lara in tow it quickly becomes apparent that they will both be chasing the two missing pieces of what we find out is known as the “All Seeing Eye”. Creepy, huh? I thought so. Of course Lara wants to destroy, whereas our oily friend wants to put it to use for his own misbegotten reasons. Who will succeed? Who will fail? If you don’t already know the outcome of this sordid affair then you have issues far greater than
I am capable of helping you deal with.
Earlier on I mentioned that I would tell you where this film went wrong. I guess this is the part of the review where I do just that. It is a laundry list of complaints, so bear with me.
First of all there is nothing worse than a hero who is infallible. Wait a minute. There is one thing worse: A hero who knows they are infallible. Well friends, that’s exactly what we have here. I cannot remember one time in the movie when Lara took a misstep. She always knows exactly what to do no matter the situation. Sacred object that nobody has a clue what to do with? “Give it to me. It goes here! I am Lara. Hear me roar!” That happens on more than one occasion throughout the course of the film. Granted it doesn’t come with the fine dialogue you just read attached, but sadly it doesn’t need it to be annoying.
There’s another problem. Dialogue! I know this is a summer action flick and people are going to say that I should take it easy. Piss on that. I have seen films of this ilk that possess an intelligent mentality to go along with all of the action that I would expect from such a film. Last summer we had a movie like that. It was called “X-Men” and it ruled. Read the reviews if you don’t believe me. Now where was I? Oh yes, dialogue. Here’s a snippet from “Tomb Raider” to wet your appetite.
OILY BLACK CLAD NEMESIS
“Into the mouth of the beast.”
SHADY ARCHAEOLOGIST
“And out the devil’s ass.”
How that man said that line seriously we may never know. I think it probably took a Kubrickian number of takes for director Simon West to be satisfied with the scene. Taken in the context of the film, I think that dialogue was intended to make me laugh and it did it’s job, but for the wrong reasons. I laughed because that is flat out horrible dialogue, not because the dialogue itself had humor hard-wired into it. Who writes this shit and how do they get paid for it? These are questions that I actually might care enough about getting answered to take the time to go and look them up, but not right now.
Next on the list is something I never thought I’d say. Is it proper English to describe a woman as cocksure? Whether or not it is I intend on doing so regardless. I have seen few male action stars as cocky as Angelina Jolie in this role. Angelina you’re hot, smoldering in fact, and you possess one of the most curvaceous bodies to grace the silver screen in recent memory, but this attitude you carry with you as Lara Croft needs to go. I guess within the context of the film’s flimsy screenplay I would be cocky too if I knew I was always going to be right and could do no wrong, but I am not going to pander to that lowly level. Summer action films don’t need to be finely crafted pieces of art, but I do believe that they should respect the fact that the majority of their audience possess an IQ greater than 80. This film does not respect the viewer’s intelligence for even a moment and that I must say is truly sad.
“Tomb Raider” even manages to fail in the one area that it should by all rights succeed in: the action scenes. I have seen few summer blockbusters with action sequences as flat as the ones on display here. They are dull, lifeless, been there done that routines that will leave your pulse anything but heightened. The only one that was at all cool has Lara suspended from the ceiling by bungee cords in some sort of contrived exercise routine when the bad guys storm her place. She proceeds to lay waste to them while bouncing all around the room attached to the bungee cords, which I must say is pretty cool to watch. Sadly the only reason it exists is to look cool, which is a flaw in and of itself. But it does look cool and amidst the drudgery that pervades the other dubiously labeled action sequences it manages to entertain.
On the positive side of things the film has a nice look to it that reminded me of the video game world she used to inhabit before moving to the silver screen. I thought the filmmakers did a very nice job of melding the video game elements that fans would expect to see with the live action world that the film exists in. Another nice touch was having Jolie's real life father Jon Voight play her father in the film. Other than that there are few positives to be mentioned.
Some of the special effects are a little cheesy, but then how are you going to make a gigantic stone Buddha statue come to life and not have it look cheesy? I guess the easiest way would be to not put it in the movie, but apparently this thought never occurred to the filmmakers.
For the most part the technical aspects of the film are handled well. It is in the screenplay and direction that the film finds its faults.
Sadly, “Tomb Raider” follows in the footsteps of such video game to film atrocities as “Super Mario Bros” and “Street Fighter”. All films that could have been cool, but somewhere along the way became derailed from their ultimate goal and fell into the abyss of film hell.
Word is that there is a sequel in the works. Hopefully the wrongs of the first film will be righted in the second. I am not about to hold my breath on that one though. Until the sequel comes out, however, I recommend avoiding the original until it is released on video. Once it is in the rental market I urge you to plunk down a buck or two, take it home, and skip to the end.
It is at the end that the stars of “Tomb Raider” (Angelina Jolie’s breasts) will provide you with a titillating ride, as they navigate through an exploding temple (In slow motion no less!) bouncing and heartily displaying themselves for you to oogle at your leisure. It is then and only then that the film will provide you with any sort of satisfaction. The satisfaction will come in the fact that you will look at the gorgeous creature onscreen and realize that she (and the stars of “Tomb Raider”) are married to everyone's favorite redneck Billy Bob Thornton, thus giving men the world over reason to believe that all might not be wrong with the world.
There might very well be hope for all of us silly sods after all.